Letting Go of Holiday Expectations

From October onward every mall we enter, every coffee shop, every place of business announces that the most wonderful time of the year is coming. Trim the tree in mid November, order your loved ones a thoughtful gift, or even better, several gifts, find the perfect stocking stuffers, and most important of all, be happy.

I love the sparkly lights, good food, and a thoughtful gift, but I also acknowledge that Christmas is a complex time for many people, and the priority that North American culture puts on the commercialized holiday season feels overblown and like a whole lot of pressure.

When my children were younger, I definitely fell into the ‘make perfect memories’ trap, and what I experienced and saw so many of my friends experience is that the more we tried to make it perfect, the more exhausted and grumpy we got. So much shopping, and wrapping, and cooking.  A lot of making lists and thinking of what friend or relative might be alone and need a phone call, a visit or a gift under the tree.  My daughter seemed to change her mind about what she wanted from Santa daily, when she was seven she announced on Dec 21st that the only thing she wanted from Santa was an Easy-Bake Oven.  Every Easy-Bake Oven within a 100mile radius was sold out, but we drove to Walmart in the US to make the wish happen.

I worked so hard in creating magic, I sometimes missed  the little moments that actually are the magic.  Curling up on the couch to watch The Grinch, making seriously amateur Christmas cookies, and assembling the ginger bread house with the kids are some beautiful , but I wish i had slowed down to make more of those kinds of memories and less of the perfect gift and the elegant Christmas feast.

We all come into the holidays with the Ghost of Christmas past.  These can be happy memories of time spent together as a family, of snow, and Christmas lights, and the wished for presents. Just as likely they can also be difficult memories, of conflict, of parents drinking too much, of emotions running high and exploding.  I often feel a sadness at Christmas remembering that despite the beautiful Christmas decorations and the perfect gift, things often went south when my Mom’s emotional state overwhelmed her. She would lash out at my Dad or at us, often yelling or crying or breaking things.  Now, as an adult, I can see how hard she tried to make it special for us, but she simply couldn’t control her mental state.

As an adult I overcompensated by trying to make Christmas perfect for my kids, which ironically made it less perfect. Like my Mom, the running around, the gifts buying, the cooking, the exhaustion. Sometimes it exploded out of me, and made me edgy at a time when I desperately wanted to be relaxed and happy.  It has only been in recent years that I have truly loved the holidays, as I have worked far less hard on creating the magic, and focussed more on enjoying the gift of my family and friends.  We are so lucky to be together and the older I get, the more I see the presence of the people I love as the greatest gift.

Many people dread the holidays because it puts into sharp focus the people they are missing in their lives.  Sometimes these people are missing because of family dysfunction, untreated mental illness, or a badly timed and dramatic family conflict. This is hard because their family is there but they either can’t or have chosen to not spend time together over the holidays.

I have two friends who are having their first Christmas after the death of a spouse this year, and one young man who is grieving the loss of his Mom. The holidays are something they have to get through this year — and I want them to know they can feel whatever they are feeling. They don’t have to force themselves to be happy, or to celebrate , or to push their sadness away. I hope when they go into a coffee shop, the barista won’t shout “Merry Christmas!, at them, nor judge them as grinches if they don’t respond with equal vigor. I want everybody to know that they can be as they are; and that there is no mandate for happiness over the holidays.  I want to be there to share in the sadness with my friends, just as I have been there to share in their joy.

So my message this year, is to come as you are.  My intention this year is show up for the holidays in ways that feel authentic and meaningful to me while respecting the wishes of my husband and adult children. I have scaled back the gift giving and focussed on a family holiday together, I have spent more time and money with a handful of people who are either alone for the holidays or who have experienced a loss of a loved one.  This feels meaningful to me and more aligned with what I understand the spirit of Christmas to be. Do the holidays the way that is aligned with where you are at in your life, and resist the pressure to push out your energy and make it perfect.  The most beautiful moments are bound to come when you relax and acknowledge the small gifts of time spent together, the kind words of friends and some time to simply be. Whatever the holiday is for you, I wish you love and at least one quiet miracle.